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Fast and the Furious: Of Twisted Technology and Miscommunications - B/D - 1/1

May 22nd, 2011 (03:06 pm)


Of Twisted Technology and Miscommunications


Summary: Dom has a new phone, but the autocorrect is truly out of control. Hilarity ensues, for everyone but Dom

Rating: R (for language and sexy-ish texts)

Genre: Humor, or my attempt at it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Fast and the Furious. Enough said.

Timeline: Post the first movie, but after that things get fuzzy. Establish Relationship for Dom and Brian, but you're going to have to get creative from there.

(IMPORTANT!) Basic idea, for those who don't know: Smart phones, iPhones and all of those fancy gadgets that Brian and Dom wouldn't have in the first movie (we're suspending belief here) have a feature that will automatically correct what you actually want to say to what your phone THINKS you want to say. However, often it gets it so bizarrely wrong that it's a laughably humiliating situation. You really need to visit the site DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT to fully understand the concept (google it and thank me later!), but if you have then you'll get what I'm going for here.

* I realize the formatting is not exactly how it would appear in a text, but I wanted to make sure that things were as clear as they could be while still looking like it could have come off of Dom's cell (hence the characters names, which I hope are clear!)

On with the story!


New Txt Message:


O'Connor: You going to be home soon?

DT: Ya, just dryhumping with Mia

O'Connor: …

O'Connor: I honestly don't know what to say… I think we should see other people?

DT: fuck… *dryhumping with Mia

DT: *dryhumping

O'Connor: ?

DT: DRIVING. DRIVING with Mia. Not dryhumping.

O'Connor: Hahaha Nice

DT: Goddamned phone…

O'Connor: Well, you, Mia and your incest lovin' phone can have a good drive. Dinner ready soon!

New Txt Message:


DT: heading out soon, just need to spunk first

Cara Mia: DOM!

Cara Mia: That had better of been meant for Brian because if you were actually telling me something that nasty as an excuse for being late…


DT: I meant shower

DT: It's this phone, you know it is

Cara Mia: nice excuse

DT: don't even start with me

New Txt Message:


DT: have time to grab lunch?

O'Connor: Let me finish up here and we can meet up. Anything in particular?

DT: I was thinking some grilled feds

O'Connor: Umm… I know you're not a fan, but grilling them?

DT: Fish, goddamn it

DT: though, I can think of some feds I'd like to grill

O'Connor: I hear ya

New Txt Message:


O'Connor: Hey, I know the garage is slammin now, but have you seen my green converse?


DT: over of the maggot

DT: over the machete

DT: I hate this phonics…


DT: on top of the mashugina

DT: I'm calling you…

O'Connor: wait a few minutes… I can't even breathe

DT: laugh it up, blondie

DT: your phone needs an upgrade soon too

New Txt Message:


DT: so she starts trying to haggle, just like always

O'Connor: as if you weren't already giving her a discount, jesus

DT: I know, I was tellin her the same thing. I said instead of arguing, how about you suck me?

O'Connor: excuse me?

O'Connor: switching teams again?

DT: THANK me. How about you thank me? Not suck. I swear, Brian.

O'Connor: asshole

DT: I showed this to Leon… he's cracking up, but he says he'll back me up. Nobody got sucked, babe, I swear

O'Connor: Not for lack of trying, though.

DT: Brian, I didn't say suck me.


O'Connor: Yeah, just yanking your chain. I love your phone!

DT: then you take it

DT: this thing is a demon intent on getting me in trouble, you should have seen what it asked Mia the other day

O'Connor: ?

DT: we agreed not to speak of it

O'Connor: Aww come on. I won't tell her. Don't I get something for not making you sleep on the couch tonight?

DT: let's just say the phrase 'glowstick clit' came into play

O'Connor: holy shit

DT: I died

New Txt Message:


V: what did that guy with the red Nissan need done?

DT: new cumlicker


V: You hook up with O'Connor and suddenly we're running some gay dating service?

V: not cool, bro

DT: *camshafts

DT: this new phone is a dirty piece of crap

V: not funny

DT: it was the autocorrect, Vince

V: whatever, asshole

New Txt Message:


DT: get home soon. I'm getting ready to cock a dog

O'Connor: WTF dom! I know we like to try new things, but that's waaaaaayyyy too far

DT: *cook dogs. hot dogs. On the grill

O'Connor: Jesus, I was freaking out

DT: First incest now beastiality… this phone is dirty

New Txt Message:


DT: cherry or manloving?

O'Connor: I'm assuming you mean cold remedies? I'll take some of both

DT: manloving? What the fuck? I typed lime, I swear

DT: cough medicine – what flavor do you want?

O'Connor: Damn, got my hopes up. Cherry, I guess.

DT: Cherry it is. We'll save manlovin for when I get home

O'Connor: best of both worlds!

New Txt Message:


DT: Still feel sick?

O'Connor: yeah, I'm taking the rest of the day off

DT: that's good, get some Serbians

O'Connor: do they have good chicken soup recipes? Cause I could really use some… lol

DT: Sleep, not Serbians. I've definitely never written Serbians before… where does this shit come from?

O'Connor: Serbia, apparently

New Txt Message:


V: just finished the paint job on the camaro

DT: Good

DT: once we finish the interior, that baby will be one labia ride

V: I have no idea what you're talkin about

V: but it sounds fucking awesome

DT: Ha *luxury ride

V: a labia ride sounds better

DT: you're a nasally motherfucker

DT: *nasty

V: …

V: we need to get you a new phone

New Txt Message:


O'Connor: got an appointment for 3 today

O'Connor: still insist on going with me?

DT: yeah

O'Connor: I'm a big boy, Dom

DT: you were harping up a lung last night, I was sure there was going to be blood

DT: *hacking

DT: do you really not want me to go?

O'Connor: It's okay. It's cute you're worried. Will you hold my hand if I need a shot?

DT: you know it

DT: remember, if you're good the doctor will give you a lubejob

O'Connor: I don't want one?

DT: lollipop

O'Connor: Oh, well, in that case… a lollipop would be okay

New Txt Message:


O'Connor: Mia called. She wants to know if we want to eat at hers tonight

DT: if you feel up to it, then yeah

O'Connor: it would be nice, I'll tell her we're coming

DT: ask her if she wants us to bring anything. Dicks, maybe

O'Connor: ummmm, no… she's on her own there

O'Connor: and I think she wants to be

DT: ********DRINKS

DT: why does this phone want my sister and I to get it on so much?

DT: it's sick, man

O'Connor: it's hilarious, man

DT: you and my phone have dirty, dirty minds

O'Connor: and you love us both

DT: you, definitely

DT: this phone? No fucking way

New Txt Message:


DT: doctor called

DT: he thinks you might have pregnancy

O'Connor: WHAATTTT? The doctor thinks I'm pregnant? Did he not notice my dick?

DT: *pneumonia

O'Connor: oh fuck, man

O'Connor: I was freaking out

DT: why? It's not like it could have actually been true

O'Connor: too much TLC in bed yesterday – between the special on the mermaid girl, guy with a tree growing out of his face and like twenty million episodes of 'I didn't know I was pregnant' I can honestly say that stranger things have happened

DT: I'll stop by the movie place on the way home, you need something men watch before you really do turn into a girl

O'Connor: fuck u


O'Connor: but seriously, dude, please go

DT: ha… no problem, babe

New Txt Message:


DT: come by the garage

O'Connor: sure, why?

DT: no one's here and we just got a '61 mustang

O'Connor: oooohhh…

O'Connor: I can think of a few things we could do with it

DT: yeah, I've had a few fantasies about you spread out on a car like this

O'Connor: I'll be there in twenty

DT: make it ten… I can't wait to tear you

O'Connor: on second thought…

DT: TOUCH ***********TOUCH

DT: touch you, godfuckingdamnit!

DT: this fucking phone


DT: Brian?

DT: Brian, I swear it was the autocorrect


O'Connor: I know. I had to pull over. I'm laughing so hard I might piss

DT: fuck, Bri, I was worried

O'Connor: we were almost cockblocked by a phone

DT: Just get down here

O'Connor: If I don't will you follow thru with your phone's threat?

DT: fuck you, Brian

New Txt Message:


V: ready for the car show?

DT: Yeah, we're heading towards you soon as Brian gets it into gear. He's excrement

V: I've only been saying that for the last year, man

DT: *excited, Vince

DT: Do we need to have another talk about respect?

V: that was totally a trick question

DT: I didn't ask you anything

V: Your phone set me up

DT: finally it does something good for me

New Txt Message:


DT: Did you take my vag?

O'Connor: No

O'Connor: and I'm pretty sure you don't have one… I would have noticed by now

DT: I don't get this phone. I typed ray bans and I got vag? It's not even close

O'Connor: Maybe we need to look into an exorcism?

New Txt Message:


DT: Tell V I can't get the parts and to turn on his fucking phone

O'Connor: Okay

O'Connor: He wants to know why?

DT: building fire

DT: We're all being ejaculated

O'Connor: to help cope with the trauma?

DT: *extrapolated

DT: effeminate

DT: evaporated

DT: fucking hell

DT: ecclesiastical

O'Connor: evacuated?

DT: yeah, that

DT: save me some corona

O'Connor: you got it

O'Connor: you're gonna need it… Vince was reading all of that

DT: he tries to extrapolate on what just happened, I'm gonna evaporate his balls until he's so effeminate he'll need ecclesiastical help


O'Connor: that was… epic

O'Connor: who says I didn't find a guy with brains and brawn?

New Txt Message:


DT: some asshole just backed into Vince's car

O'Connor: oh shit, really?

DT: yeah, Vince is raping on him

O'Connor: stop him!

O'Connor: that's beyond overreaction

DT: *raging

O'Connor: Jesus, Dom. I was halfway out the door to get there and try to do something

DT: I'm not even going to bother apologizing for this piece of shit

DT: my phone, I mean

DT: not Vince

DT: although, he's a piece of shit sometimes too

O'Connor: preachin' to the choir, man

New Txt Message:


DT: nice, using all the hot water and then skipping out

O'Connor: I love you?

DT: cumnuggin

DT: *cartwheeler

DT: *coochcatcher

O'Connor: these are the best insults I've ever gotten

DT: you shoulda seen what I really wanted to send

O'Connor: oooh, bring it, u cartwheelin' coochcatcher

New Txt Message:


LeonCell: Dom, you going to be back soon?

DT: Yeah, why?

LeonCell: Vince is buggin the shit outta me

DT: Give him some anal

DT: He'll back down

LeonCell: Yeah, um, I think that would just piss him off even more

LeonCell: and I wouldn't blame him either

DT: *Attitude

DT: give him some attitude back and he'll back down

LeonCell: Yeah, attitude I can do

LeonCell: I'll leave the anal up to you and Brian!

DT: ha fuckin ha

New Txt Message:


DT: Hey Mia…

Cara Mia: Yes?

DT: menstruating anything?

Cara Mia: that's nasty Dom!

DT: Damnit

DT: I meant MISSING anything?

DT: I'm sorry, Mia

DT: it's the autocorrect

Cara Mia: I'd better be missing chocolate

DT: what a coincidence! You are, I found it for you at ours

DT: and your pink scarf

Cara Mia: I expect both of those later, you pervert

DT: I love you, sister mine

Cara Mia: I love you too, even if you're too stupid to figure out how to turn off the autocorrect on your phone

DT: that's an option?

New Txt Message:


DT: I got a ball fetish for you

O'Connor: I know, same here

DT: that's nice

DT: but I've really got a meatball grinder for you

O'Connor: oh


O'Connor: how does meatball grinder = ball fetish?

DT: no fucking clue

New Txt Message:


O'Connor: where are you? Mia's already here

DT: thought I'd get some dildo for her

O'Connor: ?

DT: *Dairy Queen

DT: I don't even bother getting angry anymore

O'Connor: Mia says she'd take a double-ended dildo or brownie batter dairy queen, which ever you want to spring for

DT: you two think you're so funny, don't you?

O'Connor: kind of

O'Connor: ;P

New Txt Message:


O'Connor: what's up?

DT: out with the guys… friend of Leon's has a huge dick that we're chilling on

O'Connor: lemme guess… autocorrect?

DT: no, we're really on some dude's dick right now

O'Connor: wtf

DT: nah, just kidding

DT: he's got a DECK

O'Connor: fuck you

New Txt Message:


DT: are you going to freak out if I ask about your manboobs?

O'Connor: YEAH, I will freak out, you asshole

O'Connor: Who asks that?

O'Connor: and if one of us has manboobs, it is so you, Dom

O'Connor: I mean, I appreciate the body, a lot, but if I look at you at the right angle, it totally looks like you've got a rack

O'Connor: a nice rack, but still

O'Connor: I can't believe you

DT: …

DT: *marsala

DT: the chicken marsala you got at the restaurant last night

DT: I'm hungry

DT: although, that was kind of enlightening

DT: Brian?


O'Connor: eat the fucking marsala… I don't want to talk to you right now

DT: I didn't say you had manboobs

DT: In fact, you said I have manboobs, so if anyone gets to be mad here…

O'Connor: blow me

New Txt Message:


O'Connor: first day of surfing was kind of a fail mission, but so worth it

DT: why?

O'Connor: wiped out, A LOT

O'Connor: I think I drank a gallon of sea water

DT: you'll get better at it

DT: we've just got to get you pregnant more

O'Connor: how would that help with surfing?

O'Connor: and didn't we already determine that I can't?

DT: we've just got to get you *PRACTICING* more

DT: sorry, Bri

O'Connor: I think your phone is trying to hint at something

DT: This phone does not do subtle hints

New Txt Message:


O'Connor: home soon?

DT: sorry, I got syphilis

O'Connor: that had better be an autocorrect because if you've got syphilis then I'm going to kill you

DT: *slammed

DT: the garage got slammed and I'm the only one here

DT: sorry, babe

DT: nobody has syphilis

O'Connor: I hate your phone


Humor is beyond not my comfort zone, so any feedback is welcome!




Page 1 of 2[1][2]
Posted by: Orvana (helenorvana)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 07:31 pm (UTC)
FAF - ghost over your shoulder

That was absolutely hilarious! I'm so glad I don't have a phone with autocorrect!

Cara Mia: I love you too, even if you're too stupid to figure out how to turn off the autocorrect on your phone

DT: that's an option?

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 07:49 pm (UTC)

Thank you! I completely agree. There's no autocorrect on my phone... I'm much rather occasionally misspell things than have any of that happen to me!

Posted by: Everybody wants a thrill (kelly_girl)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 07:32 pm (UTC)

HAAAAAAAAAA! I loved this! I was on the 'damn you autocorrect!' site the other night and I had to click off of there I was laughing so hard. This was like that site and so funny. Great job!

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 07:50 pm (UTC)

Whenever I'm supposed to be studying, I'm on DYAC. I'm glad this measured up!

Thank you for commenting!

Posted by: CorruptedSmile (corruptedsmile)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 07:37 pm (UTC)
fire pretty

Humour may not be your comfort zone, but you had me laughing out loud anyway. Absolutely loved it. Thank you for reminding me why I turned off the autocorrect option on my mobile.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 07:51 pm (UTC)

Ha! You're very welcome. You and Mia had the right idea, I think.

Thank you!

Posted by: Profiterole (_profiterole_)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 07:47 pm (UTC)
Inception - Eames Arthur and Girl!Eames

OMG, I laughed so much, I love message fics and Autocorrect makes them even funnier.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 07:53 pm (UTC)

I'm glad you thought it was funny! Thank you so much!

Posted by: lickskillet (lickskillet)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 08:03 pm (UTC)
brian and dom

I thought this was just gonna be kinda crack-y and stupid
but oh my jesus

I laughed until I cried. You are beyond awesome.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 09:21 pm (UTC)

Trust me, I was a little iffy on the concept when I was starting to write it myself. I'm glad it turned out better than we both thought! Thank you!

(and I love your icon!)

Posted by: too many words (pprfaith)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)

Okay, shit, people are looking at me funny right now for laughing like a hyena and crying on top of it.

So, so, so funny. Especially since I was the one with a new smartphone about a month back and the things that thing made me say...

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 09:22 pm (UTC)

I always think that there's something inherently freeing about laughing like a freak in public. I'm happy to have caused it!

Thank you so much!

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 09:23 pm (UTC)

More? I've been toying with the idea... who knows?

I'm glad you liked it! Thank you!

Posted by: Allana (glam_ang)
Posted at: June 13th, 2011 12:04 pm (UTC)

Posted by: khaleesian (khaleesian)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 08:26 pm (UTC)
eves harmony

OK...Here: DT: he tries to extrapolate on what just happened, I'm gonna evaporate his balls until he's so effeminate he'll need ecclesiastical help

is where I started laughing hysterically. Also 'cartwheeling cootchcatcher' is my new favorite phrase.

True story: My dad was trying to tell me about a car we both liked and instead of 'Subaru Impreza' he texted me all the stats on a 'Zuber Impress'. I feel for Dom.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 09:27 pm (UTC)

Thank you so much!

I'm actually absurdly proud of Dom's fill-in-the-blank sentence, to be honest. It was harder coming up with funny words that started with 'e'.

I don't actually have autocorrect on my phone, but your Zuber Impress is just more evidence that it's absolutely out of control!

Posted by: Elizaria (elizaria)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 08:28 pm (UTC)

LOLING so hard! Very happy I've an Android \0/ ;)

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 09:28 pm (UTC)

I'm pretty glad I don't have autocorrect too! Thanks for commenting!

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 09:29 pm (UTC)

Thanks! Glad you liked it!

Posted by: Sheeris~Jemima (sheeris_jemima)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 09:51 pm (UTC)
FATF - Dom & Bri

I'm CRYING! And my laughter sounds like I'm getting tortured over here.
By which I mean: This is absolutely brilliant!

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 23rd, 2011 01:57 am (UTC)

As long as it's the good kind of tears, I'm happy! Thanks for commenting!

Posted by: La Nena (supercaptain182)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 09:53 pm (UTC)

Hilarious! I can't stop laughing.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 23rd, 2011 01:58 am (UTC)

Laughter is good. Thank you so much!

(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 23rd, 2011 01:59 am (UTC)

Posted by: lousy_science (lousy_science)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 10:56 pm (UTC)
vin's head quite frankly

DT: laugh it up, blondie

Oh, Brian and I did, Vin, we really did. Loved it!

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 23rd, 2011 02:00 am (UTC)

Yeah, poor Dom. This particular problem I've given him does seem to leave him on the outside of the hilarity.

Glad you liked it. Thanks!

Posted by: teamane (teamane)
Posted at: May 22nd, 2011 11:45 pm (UTC)

Can you believe I laughed until I cried?! ROTFL
This just brightned my Monday.
Very funny, loved it.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 23rd, 2011 02:03 am (UTC)

Always glad to brighten Mondays, as I find that they pretty much suck. I've still got a few hours left.

Thank you!

Posted by: batgirl5694 (batgirl5694)
Posted at: May 23rd, 2011 02:35 am (UTC)

This was hilarious!! I actually laughed until I cried.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 24th, 2011 12:46 am (UTC)

Glad you liked it! Thank you!

Posted by: Elf (blaidd_drwg)
Posted at: May 23rd, 2011 10:36 am (UTC)
Sherlock_Anthea_a rose by any other name

Oh my! I choked on the laughter I was trying to repress so I didn't wake up the roomie with my insane giggling as I read this. As it was I probably sounded like Mutley (from the cartoon series - Wacky Races) with that sort of wheezing, hysterical laughter escaping from my throat even with my hand clamped tightly over my mouth.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 24th, 2011 12:46 am (UTC)

Lol, sounds like you had quite the challenge.


Posted by: Jeremy Denton (xanderslasher)
Posted at: May 23rd, 2011 03:30 pm (UTC)

Very nice. The humor was absolutely fabulous. Manloving, ball fetish, and leon giving vince anal. Oh my god. This was hilarious. I'm still smiling it was so good. Thanks so much for sharing.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 24th, 2011 12:48 am (UTC)

Thank you so much! I had a hard time figuring out a way to get Leon in on the fun, so I'm glad it turned out the way I wanted it to.

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 24th, 2011 12:49 am (UTC)

Luckily I don't have a smart phone, but after this I think I can empathize.

You're welcome and thank you too!

Posted by: secretthought (secretthought)
Posted at: May 24th, 2011 10:08 pm (UTC)

i'm dying.. lol.. i've sent some of these!

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 25th, 2011 04:32 am (UTC)

Oooh, I hope none of them were too bad! I've read some on DYAC's website that made me embarrassed for people I don't even know.

Thanks for commenting!

Posted by: Synecdoche (synekdokee)
Posted at: May 25th, 2011 05:25 am (UTC)

Often text message fics (especially ones that try to be funny) just irritate the fuck out of me, but you had me cracking up multiple times. So. Well done :D I feel like quoting the funnies lines here, but I'd pretty much be pasting the whole thing here :P

(Btw, it's O'Conner, with an "e" :>)

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 27th, 2011 03:35 am (UTC)

Since I was really nervous to post this, I'm glad I've even amused the skeptics! Thank you so much.

(I just went to imdb, because I was that sure it was O'Connor. Turns out you're right! Whoops! Thanks for telling me)

Posted by: full of rainbows and sunshine and murder and death (reena_jenkins)
Posted at: May 25th, 2011 04:21 pm (UTC)

Hi there *waves* I found this fic over at quarter_mile, and made my way over, and man! I was giggling the entire way through. You did an excellent job, especially if humor's not your usual cup of tea.

Though, it did leave me wondering...can you imagine how many people get autocorrect sexual harassment texts every day? ;-)

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 27th, 2011 03:37 am (UTC)

Hello to you too!

There are some real texts from the Damn You Autocorrect site that make me cringe for them. I couldn't imagine sending those out and living through it.

Thank you for commenting!

Posted by: sassygirl191 (sassygirl191)
Posted at: July 8th, 2012 10:43 pm (UTC)

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: July 10th, 2012 02:44 am (UTC)

Posted by: trixdanascully (trixdanascully)
Posted at: May 25th, 2011 05:15 pm (UTC)

Oh my god I laughed so hard my stomach hurts. Utterly hilarious, I feel so sorry for Dom.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 27th, 2011 03:37 am (UTC)

Yeah, by the end there I was starting to feel for Dom too!

Thank you!

Posted by: madylancross (madylancross)
Posted at: May 26th, 2011 12:26 am (UTC)

Epic. So glad this got rec'd.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 27th, 2011 03:38 am (UTC)

Glad you liked it. Thanks!

(Rec'd? At 1/4 Mile?)

Posted by: catcatcat303 (catcatcat303)
Posted at: May 27th, 2011 03:59 pm (UTC)

It's not just phones iPods do it too. I have enough issues with spelling as it is
it's funny when I get a " no replacement found " now that I'm done ranting,
I love the story. I was laughing so hard I was crying.

Posted by: marchling (marchling)
Posted at: May 29th, 2011 01:57 am (UTC)

I'm still glad that I don't have a phone with autocorrect! I'm happy you liked the story.

Thanks for commenting!

76 Read Comments
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